A British study has confirmed what Abuelitos and Abuelitas, Sabas and Savtas, Nonnos and Nonnas, and Meemaws and Pop-Pops have known for generations: having grandparents involved in their grandchildren’s upbringing improves the latter’s well-being. The research, led by Oxford University, in collaboration with the Institute of Education, London, challenged previous findings stating that grandparents who were largely responsible for caring for grandchildren could grow depressed, thereby negatively affecting the children.

 

The nationwide survey, included data from questionnaires from 1,596 children, aged between 11-16 from across England and Wales, and in-depth interviews with 40 children from a range of backgrounds.

 

Principal investigator Professor Ann Buchanan, Director of the Centre for Research into Parenting and Children in the Department of Social Policy and Social Work at Oxford University, said that the results were unexpected.

 

“We were surprised by the huge amount of informal caring that the grandparents were doing and how in some cases they were filling the parenting gap for hard working parents,” Buchanan said publicly.

 

A main finding of the study states that nearly a third of maternal grandmothers provided regular childcare for their grandchildren, with 40 percent providing occasional help.

 

“In many young families today both mom and dad are working out of the home,” say Sue Johnson and Julie Carlson, co-authors of Grandloving: Making Memories with Your Grandchildren, 4th edition. “This opens the door for grandparents to be of help either sitting or at least transporting little ones to daycare. Having a grandparent in the home to greet a returning school child offers untold advantages over leaving a child alone,” the authors tell demo dirt.

 

The stereotype of the overworked, overtired grandparent, worn out by the grandkids, has been challenged by these results. “The supposition that grandparents become tired, and hence may not be the best role models, may apply to grandparents who are the primary caretakers, when they are the custodial caregivers,” explains Janice Poplack, LCSW, director of social work at the Menninger Clinic, Houston, TX. Usually the reasons behind grandparents becoming custodial caregivers, she adds, are unpleasant, such as the parents’ losing custody or their deaths.

 

The grandparents’ role as participants in the upbringing of the children is valuable for many reasons, Poplack adds. “[The Oxford study] mirrors our clinical experience in which the more consistency and stability that children have, and the more loving attachments they have, we see as being extremely beneficial. This is true for anyone who is consistently there for the child, including grandparents,” she says.

 

Another surprising, and major finding, say researchers, were the specific benefits that adolescents enjoy from grandparental relationships. In fact, Buchanan said that most adolescents “welcomed” the close contact with their grandparents. “What was especially interesting was the links we found between ‘involved grandparents’ and adolescent well-being,” she said publicly. “Closeness was not enough: only grandparents who got stuck in and did things with their grandchildren had this positive impact on their grandchildren.”  

 

“We found that close relationships between grandparents and grandchildren buffered the effects of adverse life events, such as parental separation, because it calmed the children down,” said co-investigator Dr. Eirini Flouri in a press release. “This suggests future investigations should pay more attention to the role of grandparents in developing resilience in young people.” The study showed that during times of family breakdown, such as parental separation or divorce, grandparents brought much-needed stability to the unit.

 

“Many of us know from personal experience that having others by our side in times of trouble helps to make us stronger,” Scott Haltzman, MD, and author of the forthcoming The Secrets of Happy Families says. “There are also medical studies supporting our observations; these studies demonstrate that social support enhances mental and physical health in many ways. We know, for example, that during a medical illness, low levels of social support are associated with depressive disorders, increased pain, suffering, and even death. In contrast, having a social network is associated with longer and happier lives. These are astonishing findings that clearly illustrate the power of surrounding one’s self with supportive, loving people.”

 

The natural dynamics between teens and grandparents invite close relationships, Haltzman adds. “Grandparents provide the one-two punch of time and experience,” Haltzman explains. “They’ve raised children before, and brought them to, and through adulthood, so their perspective and mentorship on teen children can have great impact.”

 

And teens are less likely to rebel against grandparents, he adds. “Children tend to challenge grandparents less, in part because they know that their participation in their lives is ‘optional.’ That leads to better behavior for the children, and more satisfaction for the grandparent!” Haltzman says.

 

Stability and consistency are key during the tough teen years, say authors Johnson and Carlson. “Grandchildren who have established a loving close relationship with their grandparents when they are young, just naturally turn to them in the turbulent teen years when things at home are sometimes rocky,” they explain.

 

“By sharing our successes with our grandchildren we can give them someone to look up to and by sharing our struggles, we can teach them the value of perseverance during hard times.  Who better than grandparents to give the next generation the security of roots and of belonging to something larger than themselves?” add Johnson and Carlson.

 

While experts agree that grandparental involvement can be valuable, families must be aware that differing disciplinary perspectives can create potential for conflict. “If discipline styles are different, we would help the individuals involved to acknowledge their importance of the grandparents’ roles,” Poplack says. “Their help needs to be acknowledged. Once that is done, we can look at areas of conflict.”

 

For example, Poplack says, parents may be strict, while grandparents may be more permissive, causing tension. “If the grandparent has a very different child-rearing philosophy and there is a lot of conflict, that is not good. If one or both parents are highly disciplinary, or they may be quite authoritarian in their approach, and the grandparent could be more permissive and laid-back, then we would discuss compromise and negotiation.” Poplack tells demo dirt. “We would discuss situations in which there would be least amount of discipline and most amount of discipline. We would set them these scenarios, and, by looking at examples from their own life, create a template to work with.  We would create sets of skills to resolve conflict, practice negotiation and collaboration, and how to appropriately express their concerns.”

 

The key, the social worker advises, is to bear in mind that everyone in the family has the same goal. “Remember that everyone wants what is best for the child. The grandparent needs to be someone who is mature, and can see the bigger picture. You need someone who will be supportive and offer guidance, and as long as conflict can be resolved, it can be absolutely a wonderful resource for the parent and for the child, and a relationship that the child will always remember,” Poplack advises.  

 

Will research like the Oxford study encourage acceptance of grandparental involvement? “I think so and I hope so, because our clinical experience shows that even in a worst-case scenario, [a patient] will identify a grandparent as the unconditional, loving person in their life, who was protective, consistent and stable,” Poplack says. “That is what builds the foundation for solid, good mental health.  We have patients who have experienced childhood trauma, such as abuse or neglect, but they are still pretty healthy; they are achievers, have done well in school, or in their careers, and often whatever mental health they have, can be attributed to the grandparent.”

 

Finally, modern society puts unprecedented demands on parents and children which, hopefully, the presence of grandparents can alleviate. With two-career families and a hectic lifestyle filled with all the noise and stimuli of the modern age, Poplack says, “Children are overstimulated, suffering from ADD, anxiety disorders, and childhood depression; are we providing the kind of environment that will help children thrive? Grandparents can help with dealing with the realities of modern society, and can be a tremendous help to create a peaceful environment.”

 

That ability to create a peaceful environment comes from experience, life stage, and an ability to see the bigger picture. “Grandparents are experts—they are usually better with kids than they were as parents, because they've learned from their experiences,” psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina, PhD, says. “They're also more relaxed than parents, and usually can give the kids more undivided time and connection.”

 

Tessina is the author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage and the forthcoming Commuter Marriage: Keep Your Relationship Close While You're Far Apart.

 

“Grandparents are usually more focused on sharing and having fun with grandkids than parents are with kids—it's not the grandparents’ problem to make sure kids succeed in life or get their chores done,” she adds. “Grandparents are more often just proud and supportive, without too many rules. Yet, at the same time, they have a lot of information and know-how kids can use, and the leisure time to teach and explore with the grandkids.”

 

Poplack agrees. “Having access to grandparents provides stability, and an unconditionally loving experience, as grandparents are less judgmental, less invested in achievement and more invested in the overall well-being, and they see the bigger picture because they have experience. They tend to be the voice of reason.”